The end of the horrible year 2020 was in sight. Oh what a year that was! I was sitting at my desk doing spreadsheets, because my life revolves around spreadsheets, and I was angry. Not the someone or something has made me mad type angry, the angry at life type angry. So many thoughts were going through my head. "This person hurt me!" "I have lost so many people." "This pain is too much." "Why am I so miserable?" Then it hit me, not like we all haven't heard it too many times in our life to count, but it TRULY hit me! The definition of insanity, we all know it, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Something has to change, but what? Where do I even start?
So I did what any normal person would do.... I opened audible!! Normal person? I had been paying for audible all year and not opened the app once, so how is this normal response? That day I didn't know the answer to that question, but today I do! I found a book about forgiveness and overcoming your past, downloaded it, and started playing it as I sat there and worked. I found myself actually paying attention and really LISTENING. That day I started a journal, some of it about thoughts, some prayers, and letters to those people I needed to forgive.
Truth is, I knew I had so much anger in my heart BUT I wasn't aware just how much anger. It's hard to overcome your past and forgive people when you haven't dug deep in your heart. You can't just say "I forgive them for everything" or at least I can't. So I started writing the letters to everyone I needed to forgive and everything I needed to forgive them for. Truth be told there were things I needed to forgive that I had buried so deep I wasn't even aware I needed to forgive those things. As days started to go by I start feeling more free. Letter by letter, I am actually feeling free!!!!
You can't keep the same angry and negative thoughts in your mind and expect to be happy. My thought of insanity that morning has been life changing. I sleep better knowing I am at peace, I have gained friendships back, I am no longer negative about everything, and most importantly I am building my relationship with God back up. Am I perfect? Ha absolutely not and I never will be, but I am a better version of me today than I was that morning.